Resident Evil 4 Spoof
by MechaGanon
Summary: Resident Evil 4... with my own sadistic twist.


((A/N: Okay... so my friends and I were playing this game -- the whole game, mind you -- and we came up with, like, a million of inside jokes. And I mean, they were hilarious. So I had to write a story about this game. Here's Chapter 1-1. I don't know if I'll do anymore, but yeah... Hopefully you can spot out some of the funnies... If you wanna know the Spanish, in order it's: "It's the foreigner" "Ow, my eye my eye!" and "Son of a bitch!". R&R))

It was a cold day to be out driving. But what can you do when you're out to save the president's daughter? Somewhere in the middle of Spain. Ya got me. My name's Leon Kennedy. I used to be in the force, and on my first day I got meddled into the affair with Raccoon City.

But really, enough of that. There were these two Spanish guys who were driving me through. I didn't really talk to them. They seemed pretty dumb, to me. So anyway, we kept driving and then they pulled over, and told me to go have a look around. I'm all like 'yeah, whatever' to them and got out, loaded my gun, and walked over towards a cabin.

Then I got a call. I answered it, "Hello?"

"Hello, Leon? My name is Ingrid Hunnigan. I'll be your support on this mission."

"Yeah, okay. So the target is Ashley?"

"Yeah, so, be good."

"Yeah, whatever."

The door was open, which was strange. Then again, up here it actually felt nice out. Didn't look nice, but felt nice. I walked into this cabin and saw a man working on a fire. So, I thought, 'What's the harm in asking him?'

"Uh, sir?" I asked. No response. I sighed, and walked over, "Sir? Can you help me please?" Finally he looked up at me. He was old and ugly and I shuddered when he looked at me. I pulled out a picture of Ashley, the president's daughter. "I'm looking for her. She's the president's daughter?"

"sdkgjhdkfjhd," he said, and I'm all like, 'yeah, whatever,' and started to walk away. As I looked back to take a glance at the ugly, he decided to try and hit me with an axe! So I jumped away, pulled my gun out, and shouted at him.

"Freeze!" He didn't stop. "I said FREEZE!" He still persisted, so I shot him in the leg. He started freaking out, so I went over and kicked him. He fell over and so I began knifing him on the ground. He died, and for some odd reason, he was carrying handgun bullets, not that I'm complaining or anything.

Suddenly, there were gun shots, and crazed Spanish screams, and cars, and crashes, and crazy music playing. I said, "WHOA." Then I got a call.

"Leon, what happened?"

"I, like, got attacked. Or something."

"Well, stop your bitching and go save Ashley."

"...But what about my needs?"

"Get going."

So I walked up the stairs, and even more strangely than the guy having bullets, he had some bullets in a cabinet. So I stole them. He was dead. He wasn't going to do anything to me now. So then I jumped out of the window, and I was faced with more of those crazy Spanish people. So I shot them. Because shooting Spanish people is fun. Especially when I can't understand them.

I started walking down a path. There were more of those weirdoes down here, so I shot them. There were some huts, too, with stuff. I'm not too sure why these people like killing people but they'll put some herbs in their huts. I'm pretty sure they're unhealthy to eat, too.

So after I got to the end of the path, there was a big gate. So I opened the gate and I got a call.

"Leon, are you still alive?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I guess I'll send you this Playing Manual, even though you probably needed it before now."

"Well thanks."

That Hunnigan is really a bitch.

I saw the village finally, and there was a fire… burning an officer. I gasped at the horror. Then I resumed by shooting a villager in the leg. Then it screamed out, "¡Es el forastero!"

They started running towards me with sickles and pitchforks and knives! Why do they have these things! I shot at as many as I could, but for some reason, as I shot them with the best accuracy I could, I was missing. I'm not too sure why. Then as they got closer, I was shooting all over. It was weird, because I shot one of them like a couple of inches away from them and it hit them.

I ran past them and suddenly a man with a sandbag over his head began chasing me with a chainsaw. A FRIGGEN CHAINSAW! So, after wetting myself, I ran in the whole opposite direction. I was screaming, and villagers came at me with these things. What was I thinking when I join this thing?

Then a bell rang.

I stood there, as these villagers just… stopped running after me. It was weird. It's like, you heard a bell, and that means stop killing me. They were mumbling something but then they left through some door. All I had to say was, "Where's everyone going? Bingo?" I snickered at what I said, because it was funny.

Then I got a call. I sighed.

"Leon, do you have the daughter yet?"

"No. I was just getting sawed up! ...Oh, and I found a dead officer."

"Yeah, that's nice. Go save Ashley. She's more important."

"…fine."

I walked around the village and began looting the place before I left. I mean, come on. These people had ammunition, herbs, grenades… and a SHOTGUN! Who doesn't love that? So then I left for the next screen. I mean next area.

I walked into a farm area. There were people around, but I didn't want to disturb them because I saw a shining piece of blue paper. I pulled it off the tree and read it.

"'Ello Stranger!

You're obviously being chased by these villagers and saving your life and have better things to do, I decided to put out some blue medallions for you to shoot if you get bored. And I'll even give ya a treat."

I blinked for a few moments and then threw it away. Then before I knew it, a villager was up in my face. So I shot it in the head.

"AY! MI OJO MI OJO!" it said, putting his hand over his head, and falling to the ground. I decided to show off my super sexy kick, so as more villagers gathered, I kicked the one I shot in the head. But as I kicked him, the rest of them fell down, too. I do not know why.

I ran again and reloaded my weapon. But then I grinned, and took out the shot gun. The villagers were approaching me, and do was the one that I shot in the head. I was speechless, because he looked almost unharmed. Anyways, I put up my shotgun, ready to shoot them and all, and these people put their hands over their faces. Now, I dunno. Maybe they're uneducated, but I'm pretty sure their arms won't protect them from a shotgun blast.

So I blasted them.

They all died and I happily went on, looting the farm. I found a big Beerstein, and I scared the chickens into laying eggs. It was pretty cool. So I went on into another path, but it was a hill. So I was going down and saw this sign that I saw earlier. It was in Spanish, but every time I passed it, there were booby traps. So… I ignored it and walked on.

And then something very unexpected happen! The villagers pushed a very large rock down and it was rolling after me. So I was sprinting so I wouldn't get hurt. Because I would have cried. Then I got to the bottom of the hill and dodged over to the side, where I slammed my arm into the stone wall. The rock crashed and broke up into four pieces. And mysteriously, they all disappeared. I sighed, figuring that it was just because this village was weird.

So I walked on and found a little hut and a house. And more villagers… One was standing them, looking up at the hut. So, with my expert accuracy, I shot him in the head, and for some reason, he did the same exact thing as the other one, screaming out, "MI OJO, MI OJO!" I was a bit worried on how I shot his eye, but that didn't bug me. He turned around and lit a Molotov cocktail, but I shot him again and he exploded. I snickered, because exploding villagers was funny.

I threw a grenade into the hut, and it killed all those villagers and I got some more sweet stuff in there. When I got out, there was a bird nest that stood out a lot, so I shot it and found this cool red cat's-eye jewel. And for some reason, I stuck it in my Beerstein, because I though it made sense. I walked over to the door to the big house, after shooting another villager, and shot the lock. I walked in.

I found another one of those weird typewriters, so I ignored it. I went on, shooting the weird wire explosives, and got to a dead end. But, on my way out, I saw this cabinet that stood out… so I pushed it. And found a pathway. As I explored more inside, I saw this huge armoire shaking. I was afraid, but I went on. I readied my gun and unlocked it.

Out came a random guy. He looked normal and he was scared for his life. I also think he wet himself. He can join the club!

I pulled off the tape on his mouth, and he said, "OUCH¡El hijo de puta! That hurt!" I sighed and began untying him. He said, "You're not like them?"

"Nope… you?" I said back. I finished untying him and he rolled away.

He ignored my question and said, "Got a smoke?"

"Hell naw!" I said. Then, two little villagers came and this huge guy who was bald and had a beard. I laughed, because he looked funny. But the other guy was scared.

"Oh noez! It's the big cheese!"

I looked up at him, and thought to myself, He's obviously bigger and much stronger than me… so why don't I try and drop kick him? So I ran up and kicked him, but he grabbed my foot and threw me at the one guy and we broke that armoire, somehow. Then I fell unconscious. Because it hurt.


End file.
